BigNailCow's Blog omfg
>>: # Thursday, September 06, 2007 _
I am atrophying, physically and mentally. I have no one to talk to, and nothing to do. Days slip by. I spend all of my time daydreaming, or just staring at the wall. An endless battle plays out in my head, wherein my soul berates my spirit for its lack of ability to inspire change. The soul always loses; the spirit is unwilling to listen. The battle repeats itself the next day.
I lay awake at night, considering my state, and how to change it. I have ideas, and promptly dismiss them the next day, deeming them too difficult, too impossible. I am listless.
I no longer have the occasional absurd or comical dream. It is only the same type of dream, in different circumstances. I meet someone I want to get to know better. Sometimes this person is someone I already know. But in the end, they disappear, and I'm left alone again, back where I started, and unfulfilled. The dreams contribute to my inability to do anything. I simply sit and contemplate them.
This sort of inertia is crippling, and frightening. I'm stuck doing --
I've compromised my purpose in writing this, and it just took a turn for the melodramatic, so I'll end it here. I have no one to talk to. I miss those days of long conversations. It seems like everyone has abandoned me, but I know it's just that I'm unable to move forward or advance in my life. So I'm really confused, and scared. I have no idea what to do.
(It just occurred to me that I've pretty much been in this state for 5 years, but it's more pronounced now than ever, and I'm at a new low.)
Comments:
i'm sorry i haven't been there more lately, but working full time and schooling full time leaves only enough free time to collapse in exhastion.
that being said, i don't think i could do anything to help you anyway as much as i want to (and i really do). i wish we could talk and hang out more and get this problem licked, but it's just something you gotta do (which you know). I just hope you manage to get to the point where you just CAN NOT do nothing anymore sooner rather than later. i have every confidence that it will happen, i just can't tell you when.
oh, and in case you're wondering, i'm still just as unfulfilled now that i'm doing everything instead of doing nothing--but i can tell you that it is a much better state than the one i was in before. even the mundane, stupid crap that occupies my life these days helps to give perspective regarding what i really WANT to do (whatever that is).
it sucks that, regardless of life circumstance, you're the hardest to actually get together with of all my friends due to activities (or lack there of), location, and transportation.
anyway, you'll get there. i know you will. just hold on and, to quote our fearless leader, 'stay the course'
ok, i'm off to kill myself for saying that. i'll talk to you later.
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that being said, i don't think i could do anything to help you anyway as much as i want to (and i really do). i wish we could talk and hang out more and get this problem licked, but it's just something you gotta do (which you know). I just hope you manage to get to the point where you just CAN NOT do nothing anymore sooner rather than later. i have every confidence that it will happen, i just can't tell you when.
oh, and in case you're wondering, i'm still just as unfulfilled now that i'm doing everything instead of doing nothing--but i can tell you that it is a much better state than the one i was in before. even the mundane, stupid crap that occupies my life these days helps to give perspective regarding what i really WANT to do (whatever that is).
it sucks that, regardless of life circumstance, you're the hardest to actually get together with of all my friends due to activities (or lack there of), location, and transportation.
anyway, you'll get there. i know you will. just hold on and, to quote our fearless leader, 'stay the course'
ok, i'm off to kill myself for saying that. i'll talk to you later.
